Update!

So, I have let it be quite  while since my last post, and I’m sorry. Okay, so I have been off my all medication since the 4th of May, making today exactly ONE MONTH without them. The last month has been stressful, moving in with my boyfriend, organizing the new flat, setting up the new bills and all the other exciting things that have to be done to organise a new home, but otherwise I’ve been good. Great, in fact, a genuine good mood, I wont deny the stress and some arguments with my boyfriend over stupid things; where things should go and what each of our chores and stuff should be done each day.. So that was great news, and I’ve been incredibly proud of how I’ve been doing..

I celebrated my 21st on the 14th May, had a great time, lots of alcohol, time with family and friends and some amazing presents.
I did sit and think later that day that I can’t believe that I’ve gotten to this point, I first ‘tried’ very badly to kill myself at 9 and periodically until I was 14 was depressed and suicidal when the mood swings kicked in and I was stuck in a cycle of what I know now to be depressed and mixed states and I was almost constantly suicidal until I was 18/19 and the good ‘higher’ moods started up.. Looking back and thinking of how long this struggle has gone on for, all the overdoses, self-harming and suicide attempts and other near attempts and that I have managed to survive this far is amazing!

However, with the last couple of days I do seem to be feeling lower. Struggling to be social, so tired all the time yet unable to settle, switch my mind off to actually sleep. With the mood switching which has been my ‘norm’ for a while now, a month is about right and I’m worried about how I’m going to manage if it continues, and or gets worse.. I really do not want to admit defeat and go back on medications, spesh since they did not stop my mood swings, they took the edge of of psychotic symptoms but when I’m not that state of mind I don’t want to be stuck with the side-effects I feel from them.

For specifics, I have Borderline Personality Disorder/Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder as my ‘main’ diagnosis; I don’t agree but it is what it is..  A lot of what I have read says for the UK treatment of this disorder, medication shouldn’t even be part of it. Other people who have worked with me, some of the Home Treatment Team and members of staff in the psych unit believe Bipolar works a lot better, but I don’t have any luck getting the majority of people to listen to me say one thing when they already believe something different.. I would probably have a more successful discussion with a brick wall

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me!

Here it is, the big 21!

Not another special birthday now til I’m 30, and thats one I’ll be denying!
I’ll drop in for a proper blog when I’ve got a little more time..

PLUS;

I have great news! I’ll leave you there..

Trying For The Life I Long For..

So I’ve stopped my medication… Again, I know.

Everyone’s sayings its a big risk, after ending up in hospital and then back under the Crisis Team extremely recently, I CAN understand where there coming from. But I’m fed up of it, fed up of being 20, and hugely overweight, so tired all the time it takes plentiful naps just to get through the day, the palpitations, the inability to think clearly and the hungover effect in the mornings.. I don’t want this for my life.. I am 21 in 4 days, and I want my life back, I should have done this a long time ago, but I was so convinced everyone else was acting for best – when after it all, I know best, I know myself and I know how I work and how I function. I’m not saying no medication forever, I just wanna give this a try, maybe they’ll find a medication for me that stops me becoming so fat and sleepy.. something that doesn’t make me lose my spark, but until then, I just don’t want to know.

I know I’m risking a lot, risking the voices, and lack of sleep becoming extremes again.. mood swings, suicidal and self-harming thoughts and plans.. I need to feel like I’m in control of my life for a bit, I want the old spark of mine back and this may end up not being the way to get it – but I’ve got to at least try, right?

I’m supposed to be moving back home soon, I’m not sure if it’ll help or not, but i just want to have my life back, right now I don’t want to die, I want to achieve, I want to succeed.

For now, I wanna be my own saviour.

Lingering Low..

I’m starting to believe a lot less in the thoughts I’ve been having, there are still points, moments; where things are just terrifying, just like before, but so far those times are becoming less. However I still feel so low.. really depressed, lethargic. I’m struggling to find the motivation to do anything.. except eat. Comfort eating. I feel so awful and I’m not sure what I can do about it, my exploding weight is definitely not making me feel any better.. I know it’s partly my fault, but seriously, these medications are really getting me down. I just struggle to find the words to express where I’m at.

Tiredness, Tears && Fear.

I’m not updating as much as I’d like.. I’m sorry for that..

Things have been pretty bad, difficult in a way that I find difficult to even explain.. I am scared; terrified in fact..
Things are happening that I can’t explain, that I don’t understand.. I can’t specifically tell you because I’m worried about who would be able to see it.. I feel low, very low and the only thing getting me out of bed at all is the anxiety. The fear.  The tears.
I just don’t know what to do anymore, I can hear them.. all the time.. feel them, around me.

I don’t feel safe anymore, and haven’t in weeks.. I need the tears to stop, the fear to be gone. I want to feel like me again.

I’m under the Home Treatment Team at the moment. Don’t know how long for at the moment, there trying to persuade me back on medication.. saying I have nothing to fear and that no-one is poisoning my medication. I don’t know who or what to believe. How can something that is so REAL be anything but..

I’m trying so hard to hold on. To not do anything else, to not overdose, to not use the rope I have.. Just not cutting is taking everything from me.. I’m so tired of feeling like this, of being this way. I wish I could end everything without feeling like I’d be destroying everyone else..

Arguments, Memories && Suicide.. [Trig]

I don’t know if it’s me, him or a bit of both but all me and my boyfriend seem to be doing is arguing.. over stupid little things most of the time.. I haven’t been taken my medication properly; I’m trying but sometimes I just haven’t been bothered and other times I genuinely forget! My mood has dropped.. drastically. I feel AWFUL! And it’s made all the worse by knowing how amazing I felt before hand. I have been having some weird thoughts, disbelieving my boyfriend about pretty much everything.. which is playing into our arguments. The memories are killing me.. more nightmares at the moment, but I suppose with feeling so much more depressed I’m generally sleeping a hell of a lot more.. thus creeping into the cycle. It’s destroying me, my self-esteem and everything about how I feel, how I am is changing, becoming more..I don’t know, I don’t have the word to describe it but I’m questioning everything. Myself in a big way. Whether it was my fault, if I deserved it all in some way, how all I want to do is hurt myself, to try and get some of this pain inside OUT.. I keep crying, I feel like I’m not good enough, for anything, for anyone, and suicide feels like the only way out. The only way to stop all this pain, this wretched darkness that is trying to suffocate me, bit by bit. I don’t think I’m coping. I’m drowning, under the waves of pain, beneath all the tears and upset, the anger and confusion. Most of all the blame. I want to cut, overdose, hang myself.. jump under a train if I have to to stop hurting like this. I feel trapped. Like there’s no other way out. I’m not writing consistently and I’m sorry for that, I just barely feel like existing let alone living and writing.. writing this partly reminds me that I’m still alive and still hurting and all for what? He’s still winning. Whilst I’m alive, he will always win.

Mind, Body && Soul..

Things have been brilliant recently. Well actually, my Mum collapsed again and is a lot more ill again and with the condition being hereditary and me having the same one I worry tremendously about what effect this will have for my future. My mood is very much EXCELLENT Or in other words probably hypo-manic, but I never have much ‘realization’ of that anyway and is the word my family and boyfriend are using.. I have been spending stupid amounts of money, choosing not to pay bills and having sex like there’s no tomorrow. I am not sleeping well, barely none, at most about 2/3 hours which sucks, and I do have SOOOO much energy and the only thing I notice more than ever before is the chest and heart pain I have been getting, obviously when compared to a low mood, I am doing so much more I’d expect it to be struggling more. Had and made a billion plans and ideas for my life and the future, which brings me onto my next point nicely..

Been having lots of thoughts recently about what I want to do with my life.. for real, for the future as well as right now.
Me and my boyfriend have been talking babies.. NOT for right now, for the future and when would look at the moment that would fit the best, into all of that was thrown, what do I want to do for the future and how am I going to get there.

I ideally want to be some kind of psychologist, probably a counselling psychologist. Want to work with and help people and I think with my experiences, I could make them useful to me in some way, find that old silver lining I’ve been looking to find for so long.. So that means back to college, and University.. however as of yet I haven’t managed to be well enough to even manage college I wonder if University is ever on the cards. I have looked into distance learning type things, the Open University being one of them which for the most part as far as I can see, you do in your own time, in your own home.

Part of me really wants to experience ‘real’ college and University but I worry so much about whether I’d ever manage it. I know I could manage it academically.. I managed really well before with the academics, its just the stress and remaining stable and attendance could sometimes be an issue in relation to my moods.. I’ve looked into both, ‘real’ and distance learning and am not sure what to aim for, my moods are still not stable although it has been nearly 5 weeks without hallucinations and paranoid thoughts so the higher does of Abilify seems to be helping a lot.. however not with my mood swings which my psych was I think, hoping it would, with the idea of having me on minimum medication as possible. Those nearly 5 weeks shows alot because my mood has been higher and normally that would after a while descend into psychosis but after about 3 weeks of ‘good’ mood it doesn’t appear that it’s gonna shift and for that I am so pleased.

But we were thinking that babies is on the cards a lot more freely if I do distance learning, compared to the 5 years or more we’d need to wait to have that work with doing college and University and that only gets me to my Undergraduate Degree..

Also, as both me and boyfriend have mental health problems; although he’s been stable and relapse-free for about 4 years now, but I have wondered, as much as I want a baby, a family, is it really right that I do that with both our history.. OBVIOUSLY all of this is assuming we can find some good medication which helps me be a hell of a lot more stable than I am and it will not be anytime soon.

Does anyone have good/bad experiences with college and Uni over mental health – so far mine are all pretty bad.. Also, what are Uni’s like if you end up needing time off, because of hospital or something?

In Hindsight, It All Becomes Obvious *Trig*

For such a long time, joining in with how bad my relationship with my Mum was, I was intensely angry with my Mum. I HATED her, with such a passion and I could never really figure out why I did, yes, we argued. A lot. However I assumed so much of it was just normal teenage/parent issues, plus the fact of us being so alike meant that we clashed a lot; both stubborn, passionate, both always liking to have the last word was never going to be a good combination. 

Recently I’ve realized why I had so much anger. Towards everyone. Myself. My Mum.When somebody else treats you like you’re not worth it for long enough, you believe them, when someone tells you you’re not worth anything for long enough, it becomes life. However, deep down, everyone has that small, tiny part of them that knows otherwise. I was angry, with myself for ‘allowing’ myself to be treated like that, I wanted to hurt other people because I wanted to for once feel like the powerful one, the one who is in control. I was angry with everyone for not seeing how much I was hurting. Angry with myself for not being able to let it all out, to trust someone enough to let them in.

I was angry at my Mum, for not noticing. Or for noticing things and not realizing what it meant. How much I was hurting. For being more interested in how bad it made her look as a parent then trying to get me help and support.
Why else would I starve myself, stay out all night and day exercising, cut myself, scar my body because I didn’t feel like it was mine anymore. I can remember getting down just under 6 stones, when a friend flipped out and made me start seeing what I was doing. I started to turn it around with my eating, got back up another stone and a half when my Mum turns around and starts lecturing me on eating. If I’m honest telling my Mum to fuck her advice was me saying where were you when I was falling apart, why was it my friend who has helped me turn this around instead of you.She knew I was cutting, overdosing, trying to hang myself but chose to ignore it all. Scared, I suppose. I know she always meant for the best, and knowing how I trusted my friends she left it as she was. It should not have been my friends places at 13 upwards supporting me.  She was my Mum. I was angry after all, because she asked the wrong thing. Instead of shouting at me for cutting or ‘being stupid’ when I’d overdosed. When my behavior kicked up at school, it was “I’m angry, so disappointed, you’re ruining your own life”

She never asked me “Why?”

Why are you doing this? Why are you hurting yourself? Why do you hate yourself so much? Why ruin everything you’ve always wanted and have been working towards?

Then again. When it all came out the biggest why I got was; “Why didn’t you tell me?

The biggest thing I was angry about my Mum was not being able to approach her. Reach out. Trust her. Trust that she wouldn’t blame me like I’d been blaming her. I felt like she never loved me and in looking for that love, only found more hurt and despair. I looked for love and found abuse disguised as love. It warped me, my mind and perceptions.
I’m angry with myself for believing him.

Taunting, Haunting, You’ve Captured My Dreams

Nightmares, the nightmares are killing me. The memories, his face haunting my waking moments. Capturing me, my attention, my thoughts, starting to feel on edge all the time again. Luckily as of yet, I’m managing to separate it from sexual activity with my boyfriend. TMI I know; However I am feeling it creep in, slowly the drowning pressure, the tightness of my chest, the panic! I’ve been self-harming. Cutting for the first time in ages.. about 9ish odd months.. maybe more, I stopped keeping count. Feeling him on me, hearing him, his words, feeling my fear. Taken back, back to those moments. Hours. Years. I feel like I’m drowning in all the emotions that I’ve held back. Completely overwhelmed by the intensity of it all.. I know this happens again each year, and will most likely escalate until my birthday, but I was hoping.. HOPING this year would be different, somehow easier. I just don’t wanna hurt like this anymore. He’s already taken 9 years personally without the extra 2 on top of him haunting me.

Visit To See Dr R.. [dun dun duuun!]

Haha! I was sooooo nervous waiting to go in, there was a family in there talking about all their personal stuff openly in front of everyone else, which I found incredibly awkward and spend most of it, on Twitter on my phone.

The appointment itself actually went well, was increasingly short, but sweet.

Just how I like it, typically I ended up going in late. She wasn’t sure if my CC was joining us [she wasn't] and seemed unsure herself at being alone with me for the appointment – Am I seriously that bad?! o.O
So she asked how things were, I told her I was feeling low but trying hard to manage things and all the typical nosy questions they like to ask. She looked through my mood tracker bit that I’d printed off for her, and talked her through some of it, I have to go back in another month because in her words “thing’s are changing a lot quite quickly with you, aren’t they?” I just agreed but thinking, I do believe I told you how regular my mood swings are.. :/ I don’t know sometimes I wonder how they get all there degrees and stuff..
Medication is staying the same and obviously its seeming to work well for the voices and paranoia..

I have escaped, unharmed! Not upset, and actually very pleased with how things went..

On another note: I so badly wanna lose weight that I’m going to be trying some kind of liquid diet to kick things off.. and hoping it gets me results.. Wish me luck! <3